your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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