one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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