I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My bed smells like the plague
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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