That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
