Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
