She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
