dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
