Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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