I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
