If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
