Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
