Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize