Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
