...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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