The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
