Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
