You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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