I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
