I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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