I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
