He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
