There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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