i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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