Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
