What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
