i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Randomize
