every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
