he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
