It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
