Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
