i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
