Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
