A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
