I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
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