You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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