I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
