at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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