Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
