Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
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He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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