Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
