Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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