Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
