Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
