you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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