my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
