you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
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Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.