I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.