I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
