last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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