I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
