If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
