I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
