I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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