I'm so fucking centered right now
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
