I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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