In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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