My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
