I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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