I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
