my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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