can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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