remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
