YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
