WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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